Leaders Know Emotional Intelligence. Why Don’t They Use It?

Most leaders can define emotional intelligence. Few can practice it when urgency hits. That gap between knowing and doing shapes trust, culture, and results.

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Most leaders understand that emotional intelligence (EI) matters, but how many truly practice it? In high-stakes environments, urgency, control, and assumptions often replace EI, causing it to become the first skill to vanish. Imagine a manager facing a crisis at work, where deadlines cannot be pushed, and resources are running thin. In the pressure to resolve the issue quickly, this manager might bypass team discussions and overlook valuable input, opting instead for a top-down approach that prioritizes speed over communication. Such scenarios highlight how easily EI can diminish under stress, leading to fractured team dynamics. 

We default back to speed, pressure, and old habits when the stakes get high. The result? Trust slips, teams stall, and customers sense the cracks, all signs of lost emotional intelligence. 

Knowledge isn’t the issue. Application is. 

Understanding Yourself

Many leaders claim self-awareness as a key part of their emotional intelligence, yet in practice, it remains underdeveloped. Is knowing your 'leadership style' ever enough? What truly matters is how you show up in each moment. 

Ask yourself: 

• Do I change my tone under stress, and does my team read it as disapproval? 

• Do I rush to answers instead of letting better questions emerge? 

• Do I recognize when my urgency sets the pace, even when the situation doesn’t require it? 

Research consistently links leader self-awareness to both higher performance and stronger employee engagement (Boyatzis, 2018; Goleman, 2004). Why, then, is it so often the first thing leaders abandon when the pressure rises? 

A practical step: after major meetings or decisions, note what felt unsettled, what landed poorly, or what you'd shift next time. Use these reflections to identify blind spots, deepen self-awareness, and enhance team engagement.

For example, imagine a leader noting that their response to a team member's concern seemed dismissive after a project meeting. Upon reflection, they realize the urgency to meet deadlines overshadowed their empathy. This insight prompts them to address the issue in the next meeting, openly acknowledging their oversight and inviting further discussion. This process not only rectifies the immediate situation but also encourages a culture of openness and continuous improvement. 

Understanding Your Team 

Teams respond less to words and more to observed behaviors. When leaders let stress show as impatience or avoid naming tension, teams take their cues and adjust usually by retreating. This sets the emotional climate that shapes team performance. 

Emotional intelligence with your team means: 

• Naming when you’re stretched thin, and making it safe for others to do the same. 

• Asking what’s changed outside of work that might impact capacity inside of it. 

• Checking whether your intent matches the signals you’re sending. 

Amy Edmondson’s work on psychological safety (1999) shows that teams perform better and innovate more when leaders normalize vulnerability and emotional transparency. Without it, people protect themselves instead of contributing. 

Practical step: In weekly meetings, add a short check-in: one word for how each person is arriving that week. You’ll learn what’s shaping your team beyond deadlines, and they will learn you’re paying attention.

Key takeaway: Quick team check-ins build psychological safety and trust. However, be prepared for some team members to be hesitant or dismissive of this process. Address such reluctance by creating an open and non-judgmental environment. Encourage participation by leading with vulnerability yourself and explaining the benefits of emotional sharing for team cohesion and success. 

Understanding Your Customers 

Customers detect far more than they verbalize. They notice when you seem distracted, when your tone shifts, or when decisions lack consistency, and if emotional intelligence is missing within, how long before it leaks outside? 

Applying EI outward means: 

• Listening for what customers leave unsaid hesitations, pauses, signals of doubt. 

• Admitting trade-offs openly (“We adjusted X so we could protect Y”), which builds trust faster than glossing over constraints. 

• Aligning your external message with the reality inside your organization. Customers sense when the story doesn’t match the practice. 

Trust is a differentiator in competitive markets, but what are customers truly measuring? It's no longer just about outcomes they are also evaluating how their interactions with you feel. 

From Awareness to Practice 

Moving from awareness to practice is the real challenge. Most leaders don’t need another definition of emotional intelligence. They need habits that bring it to life in their leadership, teams, and customer relationships. A helpful strategy is to pair EI practices with existing routines. For instance, consider integrating reflection on emotional dynamics into regular team meetings, or establish a habit of self-check-ins that coincide with daily tasks like morning coffee or post-lunch breaks. Such integration ensures that emotional intelligence practices are not treated as add-ons, but as foundational elements within everyday leadership activities. 

• Team pulse (1 minute): Ask, “What’s one thing shaping how you show up this week?” Normalize emotional honesty as part of the work. 

• Residue note (3 minutes): After major conversations, capture one thing that felt off and one thing you’d repeat. Over time, you’ll see patterns. 

Knowledge vs. Practice 

Emotional intelligence isn’t an add-on to leadership. It’s part of the structure itself. 

When leaders ignore it, teams grow silent, customers grow distant, and results falter. When leaders apply it, they create trust, cohesion, and resilience; the very conditions that sustain growth. 

The real question isn't if you know EI, but rather: how often are you actually using it? 

Author Bio 

Ricka’ Berry, MBA, is a strategist, former executive, and founder of genius grace. As a doctoral candidate in leadership and systems design, she assists leaders in aligning their strategy with whole-person leadership, combining 20 years of practical experience with research on how organizations grow, adapt, and endure.